When I was about to marry my hottie, hellenic hubby I told him, “Divorce is not an option, but murder is”. If one of us ever wanted out someone is going to have to push someone else off the Grand Canyon.
Did you go into your marriage thinking, “Well, if it doesn’t work out, we can just get a divorce.” Going in with this kind of watery commitment is not going to hold you two together when the seas get rough. Marriage is a deep psychological process that has shaken the foundation of my identity. I think I knew I was married when I started to use “We” instead of “I” and “our” instead of “mine”. Shifting from an individual to an entity was a huge shift in my perception and lifestyle.
I read Dr Lee Baucom’s book about how to divorce-proof your marriage with professional and personal interest. Do you ever have those days that you get so frustrated with your spouse that you can’t form words and just want to whack them upside the head with a frying pan?
Dr Baucom’s present a different paradigm of couples counseling that is a shift away from the meaningless “finding ways to communicate better”. His book presents key distinctions about the nature of relationship, power struggles that inevitably come up, issues of control, independence and feeling like your marriage is a ledger book filled with “I did this for you, so you owe me”. He also makes us question why your marriage is important to you and what is it actually providing for you “security, support, companionship, social status etc).
The most valuable part of the e-book is not in any of his philosophies but in the homework that you do on your relationship to keep it from going in a downward cycle and to shift the direction to an upward cycle. His e-book is centered on action and consciously choosing so that you get some forward and upward positive momentum in your relationship.
Here is one of his homework assignments that was valuable to me.
- What are the top three ways your partner feels loved?
- What are the top three ways you best feel loved?
- In the next week, what are the 5 ways you will commit to showing love to your spouse?
This is not a quick read and not a manual to be read for education value and should not be read casually while in line for the grocery store, but neither is the decision to leave your marriage. This book is intended for those that feel like their marriage is quickly disintegrating and not sure how to salvage it, even if your partner is unwilling to put energy into reviving it such as going to couples therapy. Think of it as marriage boot-camp and be willing to things that you are not comfortable with and that are not convenient. Are you committed to your marriage or are you committed to your excuses?
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